Category: humour

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“The Librarian was, of course, very much in favour of reading in general, but readers in particular got on his nerves.  There was something, well, sacrilegious about the way they kept taking books off the shelves and wearing out the words by reading them.”

– Terry Pratchett – Men At Arms

“The Axiom ‘Honest men have nothing to fear from the police’ is currently under review by the Axioms Review Board.”

– Terry Pratchett – Men At Arms

“Sham Harga had run a successful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realising that most of his customers want meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease and burnt crunchy bits.”

– Terry Pratchett – Men at Arms

“The River Ankh is probably the only river in the universe on which the investigators can chalk the outline of the corpse.”

– Men at Arms – Terry Pratchett

“Phrenology, as everyone knows, is a way of reading someone’s character, aptitude and abilities by examining the bumps and hollows on their head.  Therefore – according to the kind of logical thinking that characterizes the Ankh-Morpork mind – it should be possible to mould someone’s character by giving them carefully graded bumps in all the right places.  You can go into a shop and order an artistic temperament with a tendency to introspection and a side order of hysteria.  What you actually get is hit on the head with a selection of different size mallets, but it creates employment and keeps the money in circulation, and that’s the main thing.”

– Men At Arms – Terry Pratchett

“Murder was in fact a fairly uncommon event in Ankh-Morpork, but there were a lot of suicides.  Walking in the night-time alleyways of The Shades was suicide.  Asking for a short in a dwarf bar was suicide.  Saying ‘Got rocks in your head?’ to a troll was suicide.  You could commit suicide very easily, if you weren’t careful.”

– Men at Arms – Terry Pratchett

“He wanted, intensely, to believe in a world where logic worked.  It was a matter of faith.”

– Terry Pratchett, with Ian Stewart and Jack Cohen – The Globe (Science of Discworld 2)