Category: humour

Regular

“There should be a word for that brief period just after waking when the mind is full of warm pink nothing.  You lie there entirely empty of thought, except for a growing suspicion that heading towards you, like a sockful of damp sand in a nocturnal alleyway, are all the recollections you’d really rather do without, and which amount to the fact that the only mitigating factor in your horrible future is the certainty that it will be quite short.”

– Terry Pratchett – Mort

Regular

“The Rite of AshkEnte, quite simply, summons and binds Death.  Students of the occult will be aware that it can be performed with a simple incantation, three small bits of wood and 4cc of mouse blood, but no wizard worth his pointy hat would dream of doing anything so unimpressive; they knew in their hearts that if a spell didn’t involve big yellow candles, lots of rare incense, circles drawn on the floor with eight different colours of chalk and a few cauldrons around the place then it simply wasn’t worth contemplating.”

– Terry Pratchett – Mort

Regular

‘Then Mort said, ‘What do all those symbols mean?’

‘Sodomy non sapiens,’ said Albert under his breath.

‘What does that mean?’

‘Means I’m buggered if I know.’

– Terry Pratchett – Mort

Regular

“It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever,’ he said.  ‘Have you thought of going into teaching?’

Death’s face was a mask of terror.  Well it was always a mask of terror, but this time he meant it to be.”

– Terry Pratchett – Mort

Regular

“Obviously we shouldn’t get married, if only for the sake of the children.”

– Terry Pratchett – Mort

Regular

“Poets have tried to describe Ankh-Morpork. They have failed. Perhaps it’s the sheer zestful vitality of the place, or maybe it’s just that a city with a million inhabitants and no sewers is rather robust for poets, who prefer daffodils and no wonder.  So let’s just say that Ankh-Morpork is as full of life as an old cheese on a hot day, as loud as a curse in a cathedral, as bright as an oil slick, as colourful as a bruise and as full of activity, industry, bustle and sheer exuberant busyness as a dead dog on a termite mound.”

– Terry Pratchett – Mort

Regular

“It was also acutely embarrassing to Mort’s family that the youngest son was not at all serious and had about the same talent for horticulture that you would find in a dead starfish.  It wasn’t that he was unhelpful, but he had the kind of vague, cheerful helpfulness that serious men soon learn to dread.”

– Terry Pratchett – Mort

Regular

“Upper class etiquette in Ankh-Morpork held that, while you could snub your friends any time you felt like it, it was the height of bad form to be impolite to your worst enemy.”

– Terry Pratchett – Night Watch

Regular

“In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?”

– Terry Pratchett – Nights Watch

Regular

“That was always the dream, wasn’t it? ‘I wish I’d known then what I know now’? But when you got older you found out that you NOW wasn’t YOU then. You then was a twerp. You then was what you had to be to start out on the rocky road of becoming you now, and one of the rocky patches on that road was being a twerp.”

– Terry Pratchett – Nights Watch